Will and Testament, Revised

Why is death always associated with sorrow? Why should it be? Look at Irish Catholics. When one of theirs dies, they leave the coffin open in the reception area, serve up lots of food & drink, & imbibe until they make righteous fools of themselves. They've got something there & we could all learn a thing or two from them. I sure have & so I've been thinking of ways to make my inevitable passing an event of merriment & good cheer. Here are a few ideas:

1. A tape player hooked up to 2 or more small speakers, with the CD player on top of the coffin & the speakers placed all around it, facing toward the mourners. It would be one of those special tape players that use long-play cassettes that go for 2 hours or more. There would be at least 2 cassettes & on each one would be my voice. I'd get to say things to people that I've wanted to say all my life but never got the chance. Once the mourners start walking up to the coffin, the funeral director can hit the play button. At that point the comments would begin...

"Good afternoon, folks. I hope youall didn't have too much difficulty getting here. The highway dept. has never gotten its head out of its ass for as long as I've lived here...Hi, Gary! How's your sister? Is she still in the clinic?...Say, Angela? You really should've headed to California with me. You could have lived a good life with me, what with all the money I made from investments. Instead you stayed in that one-horse town, married that shmoe, & packed on 50 pounds....Martha, no one's ever told you this but your kid is butt ugly. If his nose were any bigger he wouldn't be able to keep his head up...Frank, I knew your father well. He was a terrific friend. If I ever got thrown in jail he would bail me out anytime!..."

2. A spring-loaded coffin. At a predetermined time, the lid would fly open & my body would pop out like a party favor. It would be impossible to control where my corpse would land. At that point, of course, I wouldn't care.

3. A coffin with servomotors in it. At a predetermined time, the lid would slowly open & my corpse would slowly sit up. Then my head would turn & face the mourners. Frightening organ music would be necessary for added drama.

4. An exotic dancer. The coffin would be in the chapel in its usual place when the mourners file in & sit down. At the exact point when the solemn ceremony would begin, loud raucous music would blast from the walls instead. The coffin's lid would be flipped open by the hot, stacked dancer inside the coffin, who would then stand up, shimmy & strip her goods off, right there in the coffin. I would actually have been buried ahead of time.

5. All mourners would be required to attend wearing bunny suits.

6. All mourners would be required to attend wearing black plastic garbage bags, with holes cut out for the head & arms.

7. All mourners would be required to attend wearing their jackets, pants, dresses, & other outer garments inside out & backwards.

8. All mourners would be required to attend wearing only shoes.

9. My coffin would have reproductions of my erotic art plastered all over the sides & top.

10. The pallbearers would be required to duck-walk when carrying me & the coffin to my resting place.

11. The pallbearers would be required to wear nothing but their shoes when carrying me & the coffin to my resting place.

12. The pallbearers would be required to move in rhythm when carrying me & my coffin etc. etc. & the mourners would be required to form a conga line behind the pallbearers. Appropriate music would be provided in the synagogue chapel & at graveside.

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